As more time passes, and every month goes by, it is getting harder not to lose hope.

There is a sense of grief that I feel every time a test is negative. It feels as though we are losing something every month that was never ours. How do I explain that pain? I am grieving over a baby that I can’t have. And the loss of that is so raw.

Every month, I convince myself of symptoms that might mean I’m pregnant. Am I hungrier than normal? Am I usually this tired and sassy? Why am I peeing every 5 minutes? The anticipation is there and it’s almost impossible not to get your hopes up. The experience of having your dreams shattered every month is one that I can hardly begin to explain. Struggling to conceive is the loneliest journey I have ever been on. The disappointment of getting a period and feeling that you have failed again never gets easier. Why when we are doing everything right, is this still not happening for us?

I often feel like I have lost myself. I’m not really sure who I am anymore. I’m no longer carefree and relaxed, able to let loose and have fun. This journey has consumed my life. I am constantly thinking about what I can eat, drink, the products I should or shouldn’t be using, how much intense exercise I am allowed to do. Some days, it is all too much.

I had one day ‘off’ recently with my partner, and it was the most human I have felt in such a long time. One day to not worry, or have responsibilities and it felt so good. It feels like all I seem to do at the moment is worry, or have something that needs doing or taking care of. I feel like I’m running on a hamster wheel and not able to get off. Life carries on and you have to move with it. Some days I don’t want to get out of bed and put a brave face on, but I’m not sure what the alternative is.

If you are struggling with your own journey, I hope this offers a little validation to some of what you might be feeling. It is a lonely experience but we don’t have to be so alone.